My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
