I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
