Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
