you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
