I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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