This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
