My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
