I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
