they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
