at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
sex in a hospital.. check
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
