I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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