Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I want to be your penis for a week.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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