How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
