Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
