Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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