what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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