You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
