grandma shit on top of the toilet
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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