Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
