Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
