I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
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