yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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