it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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