i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I just threw up on my dentist
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
