But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
