worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
