So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
