Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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