There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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