Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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