Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
