i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
