I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
