he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
