I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
