Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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