I got chris browned last night
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize