you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
All the doctor said was why
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
