im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize