Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
