There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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