the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
