the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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