if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
