Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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