He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
