This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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