I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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