I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
