Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize