please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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