I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
