Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
