So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
