just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
This is my gift to your gina
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
