You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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