woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
