I could make wine with my vomit
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
