so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
