She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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